Wondering how much is too much. After a while, the pain kind of eats away at your soul, it undermines all the good in your heart and tries to take away the kindness. You have to try to remember that the person you are inside has not gone away. It is there underneath all of the layers of pain and bull shit. You just have to find it again. If you look hard enough, you will. It isn’t easy, but nothing in this life is easy. You have to work for it.
Some days it feels like no matter how much you beg and plead with your Guardian Angels that they don’t help. When in fact, they are helping you cope. Helping you deal with the pain and then you notice that while the pain is still there, that it isn’t quite as bad as it was yesterday. It moves around to different spots to give you a little relief. Then you think that if it wasn’t for your Guardian Angels, you wouldn’t be able to walk at all.
You have to believe in something to help you make it through the day. Maybe, just maybe I will feel better soon. Then I realize that it’s a good thought, that’s all it is. A thought. I will never get better, I have to learn how to deal with it, to work around the pain. But I don’t give up on my laughter, don’t give up on you. Even through the pain, you can do it.
What makes me angry is that I can’t do the things that I used to be able to do. One of the things that I took for granted was walking. Something as simple and pleasurable as walking to my kitchen to prepare dinner is no longer something that I enjoy. Most of the time I have to use an office chair to sit on while I make dinner. When I have to stand for any length of time, the pain cuts through me like a knife. It takes my breath away. I turn the stove down or off and sit until the pain subsides and then I will continue my task. I do have a motorized chair now so at least I can get out and about. I love getting out in the fresh air. I am very thankful for that.
One of the things that used to give me the most joy, is not as easy as it once was. I love to crochet and was never without yarn and a hook making things for family and charity. I have hope that the new compression gloves I have ordered will help some of the pain in my hands go away so that I can crochet again. It helps me forget just for a while. And that I can be good for something. That I can do something on my own. I need something to look forward to again.
I sit on a chair to mop my floors, I can no longer take an after dinner walk and even while I sit, I have to move to a different position to ease the pain. It is all through my body now. Osteoarthritis, Chronic Gouty Arthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Fibromyalgia, along with Heart Disease and Diabetes. There are a few more that the doctors aren’t quite sure of yet and I am not sure that I want to know. This is enough. I don’t need to know anymore. My brain can not hold another disease. But I don’t let it get me down. Sure I get angry, who wouldn’t. I just don’t give up.
I know that we all have something to be thankful for and for me, I am thankful for my husband and my sister. Without their help, I can’t even imagine.
So for now, I just wait. That’s all I can do. Wait and hope that the doctors find something to help me and to learn to deal with the pain.